Some more of my thoughts

I thought about it more today. The situation I am facing with Dave's friend's wife. And I decided to write back to her. Here is what she originally wrote:

thanks for the poem is it? but we dont really think of gracie as a loss.. more of an accomplishment she was.
take care, jenna

So I wrote back and I said:

Yes it is a poem. It was forwarded to me, and I passed it on to a number of people who were in a similar situation to my own. And I agree that any baby, all babies are accomplishments, and miracles. The poem attempts to celebrate all aspects of motherhood and I did not intend for any other purpose other than that. I didn't mean to detract from that, or lessen your importance. I just wanted to share something that would give comfort given the circumstances. If there is anything I can do for you just let me know.

Does that seem harsh? Unreasonable? EEK...now I am nervous. But I couldn't just leave it because I felt badly. I didn't want her to think that I purposely sent it to hurt her feelings. Or to make her feel badly about her situation.

What do you all think?

Rejected

Thoughts on becoming a mother
- Author Unknown

" There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and a hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth, to accept when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in these shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

I'm sorry. I know this is a long poem, but I have been dealing with some personal struggles lately. And after messaging someone this poem to help them heal, they rejected me. Everyone deals with their losses differently, and I should realize this, but it is hard for me to do.

I should think...its not her rejection of me, its her rejection of being in the same position that I have been in. She isn't like me and obviously doesn't want me to do or say things that I would want others to do or say to me. It hurts me the way she responds to my outreach, but it isn't me. Its the situation that she is responding to more than anything. She just obviously has to deal with it differently then I did. And honestly, after all of that....I really don't think she intends to be rude and harsh to me. But I am allowed to feel hurt. Why would I have gone through all of these struggles if I can not help others? Am I supposed to let the pain fester inside of me? No. And I wont. I will keep on reaching out to others who have felt the same way as me, and who still do.

If I have offended anyone, I am sorry. But if anyone feels like they would like to talk to me more about loss, etc. I am ALWAYS available: StephaEspo@gmail.com

A few new Updates and A THANK YOU to you

DAVEEEEE:
Is starting his p90x this week! We watched/read/searched all we can to get him prepared....(and he would kill me if I shared his pictures, but I will when he is done).

And what sold him on the idea was his BeachBodyCoach Shandal. Her and her hubby are amazing and have AMAZING results! But I feel so bad....the poor girl...she has to be my coach too....lol...I have already messaged/emailed her a few times...SORRY! :)

Today I cut up fruit/veggies/chicken/tomatoes/carrots, etc and put them in their own serving size bags that way he can just take them and go...as well as went shopping for him so we have everything that he will need.

NOW he just has to follow it without me. I was supposed to start with him way back in February. BUT we got pregnant, and well, I just can't do this workout right now...BUT I will as soon as the doctor gives me the A-OK! I will be supportive, but I will NOT be working out along side of him...*but that's ok...I am having A :)


BUT ANYWAYS...back to me and A:
For starterss....I took my 3hr blood draw today...we should find out tomorrow the results...hope that we passed and did not test positive for gestational diabetes.

And FINALLY Thank you all so much for all that you have suggested to me during my what to register for post! I greatly appreciate it! I have already registered, but I am very nervous about what I did register for....so that is why I asked!!! Thank you times A MILLLION!

What we have bought so far is the: crib, my stroller (UppaBaby Vista2010) which I had been DYING to purchase, a bassinet, a baby bag (Kate Spade). We have received clothes, bibs, paintings, etc. for the baby as gifts!

Well, I hope to update the blog MORE often....but you know how that is...BUT tomorrow we are 29 weeks along...yup...we're getting there... Back to reading other blogs and commenting!!! :)

28 weeks (and 5 days)

Calling ALL Moms!

I need help with my registry!

HELP!

What are the MOST important things you can NOT live without?
What are the things you wished you received?
What are the items you never thought you would need but then did?

ANY help would be appreciated! I am very new at this, and with my shower invites going out today (I think), I would love to know that my registry has things that I need.

I need to know what are the best of the best? I am going to breastfeed, use cloth diapers (if we can afford it), use a binky, and a wrap/baby holder.

HELP

Can you tell I am a little overwhelmed?

THANKS,
XOXO

What if...

I was on the phone with a girlfriend this morning while I was driving. I never drive anywhere early in the a.m., so when I have to for dr.appt's etc I like to talk on the phone with friends. We were talking about dreams, and what if the past few years were just that...a dream.

What if I had never met David? What if in 2004 I decided to go to Miami with my college roommates instead of going and volunteering at the Y like I usually did when I had any time off of school? What if he decided to not volunteer at the Y at all?

I would like to think that Dave and I are meant to be. I would like to think that in some weird way, shape, or form we would have met somehow. We would have connected. Did I ever tell you that when I was a senior in High School Dave actually was my gym teacher for a day? He was a substitute for my teacher. He had the same teacher as his running coach in college and she needed the day off, and seeing as though he was in college but had that day off of classes he agreed to teach for her. We met when I was in high school! I don't really remember any of it. Come on, it was high school!

I probably would have stayed at my first college (instead of transferring closer to home). I probably would not be in a serious relationship with anyone (my bf of 3+ years and I were basically about to call it quits anyways when I met Dave).

With all of these "what if's"...I have decided that...I would not be me. I would not be a mom-to-be. I would not be as happy as I am today. And I am so grateful for the way that things have happened and if I had to go back and re-do them...I would make a fewww changes here and there...but I would never ever want to be without Dave. He is truly my everything.

3rd Trimester!

OWWW OWWWW... this is my 3rd Trimester bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (no, you're not bitches...I am just super excited).

I have not been able to sleep. Yup. It seems as though whenever I fall asleep or am about to...the baby moves and kicks and flips over. Now, I am very happy that she is the most ACTIVE baby in the world, but dearrrr A please sleep at night, so I can sleep!!! PLEASE!

I had my gestational diabetes test yesterday...and it looks as if I arm wrestled with a grizzly bear. Yes, I have a huge bruise in my arm. HUGE. AND on top of that I had to get my rhogham shot...I have a negative blood type, so I had to bendddd over the table and get it in the butt. LOL. I had to get it in a muscle...and Dave of course thought that this was the funniest thing in the whole wide world...that and the fact that I am afraid of needles.

OTHER than that, my doctor appointment went great. I have gained 13lbs for the first two trimesters. The doctor said that I would gain about 10 more. Yup 10 more. She said it was water weight plus baby.

OH anndd I am not sure if I mentioned I have TMJ...really...grinding, tmj...my dentist hates me. LOL. He really does. I already wear my retainers from my braces (yes, still...I love my straight teeth...I am such a nerd), sooooo it helps with the grinding, buttt not with the tmj...AWESOME...welcome to myyy life....

How Far Along? 28 weeeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss? I am up 13lbs. ONLY 10 more to gain I think. BUT I honestly don't care anymore.

Maternity Clothes? I am moving up to the medium pants I think. They are still too big, buttt I don't know. They keep falling down. BUT the smalls are just a little too snug when I sit for long periods.

Sleep? I can NOT sleep. A doesn't stop moving. I wake up all the time. And it hurts lately too. She has been kicking the CRAP out of me.

Best Moment of the Week? I held her. It's so strange, but I held the baby in my hands while in my stomach. She was pressed against me today and I held her. :) It made me very happy.

Movement? A's movements are so hard. They hurt!

Food Cravings? I don't have any.

Food aversions? None.

Morning sickness? None.

Gender? A is still team PINK

Belly Button? It is flat now. And pokes out sometimes.

What I miss: NOTHING.

What I'm looking forward to: My shower. It is coming up!!

Milestones? Well, nothing good....well, it is all good. but I am not happy that I failed my 1hr gestational diabetes test. I have my 3hr one Monday. YUCK.



XOXO
ME

Quick!!

We are heading up to the MTS. this weekend to see Dave's family for Father's day!

I am so nervous about leaving for a few reasons....

1. What if I have bad stretching? EEK! Tylenol is packed!
   
2. Camping...I will take a picture of the truck tent. YES...we have a truck tent. It goes in the back of the bed of Dave's truck.
   
3. The dogs. We are boarding them, and his cousin is dropping them off for me. Now, the girls always go to this one place for daycare (every Saturday) and boarding once a month....but I am not the ones dropping them off....so I am a little stressed! I literally wrote her a novel with instructions.
   
4. What if I don't pack enough!!

WISH me luck!!!! I will catch up with all of you later!!!

Twenty SEVEN (that is how old Dave is...tehehe)

EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK <----How happy I am to know that I am not the ONLY one who feels or have felt this way about pregnancy. And I am really trying to stay positive. Thank you so much to all of you who posted comments/emailed me about your own personal experiences. It really does make me feel a lot better.

BUT here is the weekly survey (I missed it last week...whoopps...BAD BAD BAD)


How Far Along? 27 weeks 1 day. Yup. We're down to 13 weeks.

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 8lbs + (Not sure how much exactly, probably 10 at this point)

Maternity Clothes? I love my new clothes, but seeing all of the girls in their bikini's and short shorts has me excited for next summer already! I will have a cutie-patootie and a nice patootie myself!! :)

Sleep? I am being woken up throughout the night by Miss. A.

Best Moment of the Week? Haven't really had a great moment this week. Just in pain...(non-pregnancy related.....I did get my ticket to see Eclipse! LOL! And I just bought Dave the p90x so that way when the dr. gives me the go...I shall be getting that patootie I talked about earlier!)

Movement? A moves ALL of the time! It actually makes me wake up now! It is such big kicks!

Food Cravings? I don't have any. Actually, I am not hungry at all. Strange? Anyone else go through this?

Food aversions? All food

Morning sickness? None.

Gender? A is still team PINK

Belly Button? It has sort of popped on the top!

What I miss: NOTHING

What I'm looking forward to: The crib coming in and setting up the nursery!!!

Milestones? We only have 13weeks left! WOOOHOOO!!!!

Being a Baby

I have been hurting SO bad lately. SO bad. With the nausea, the cramping, the pressure, and the headaches....I am not only "hurting" physically, but I am driving myself nuts emotionally too. With the "what if's"...."what if I am going into pre-term labor?"

I have found that Tylenol does help, taking long showers and letting the water hit my lower back and my stomach helps, and doing some yoga stretches helps a lot too.

I just burst into tears when I am in pain now (funny pictures to come, Dave took some the other day while I was crying, it was mean at the moment, but now it is hysterical). And I feel like Dave *who is an amazing and supportive husband* doesn't know what to do, so he gets mad at me?! He says he just wishes that he could fix it and make me feel better, but he can't and it frustrates him. And that not only makes me stress out about the whole thing more, because I now have to worry about him, and how he feels WHILE I am in so much pain. He says things like: "You were so little (my body) before you got pregnant, we knew it would hurt to stretch, etc". WELL...no...everyone says how WONDERFUL it is, and AGAIN I feel guilty for crying.

I know this is me being a hugeeeee baby. One of my girlfriends said to me: "hey, it's ok, pregnancy does suck for some, and you wont remember this pain later". That made me feel somewhat better, butttttt again...I feel guilty for complaining to ANYONE. Is there someone out there in bloggy land that hasn't been able to enjoy this? Everyone seems so friggen happy ALL the time! On top of being super anxious at the beginning praying that this would work (because until now, we have just had such bad luck), and then finding out GREAT news and being so happy, to then being in so much pain....I have not really had this "enjoyable" experience.

Sorry for ranting and basically crying, but this is how I feel...and what better place to get help but from others who are or have been through this as well.

THAT and I think I am going into the "medium" pant size now. The smalls fit but are tight when
I have these cramps. BUT the mediums fall down because they are still too big...ERRRR...

XOXO

It's been a while!

I seem to do this a lot. Sorry folks!

It is Wednesday. A lot has happened.....(yeaa not so much)

I've:

• Spent some time with family. My SIL is getting married in November. I have already talked to her other bridesmaids and picked out what day the shower and the bachelorette party is going to be. We've already got the dresses. Well, they are not ordering them until July 1st, but I was measured and paid for it....see it HERE....Black with the Ivory Sash...ordered it HUGE because I have no idea. I am a size 8 in dresses. Or I was back in January. BUT who knows what I will be come November.
  
• Picked out another dress with her sister...my other SIL for her February wedding. See that one HERE but it will be in the wine color. NOT ordering this one until October. And who knows what the heck size I will be in February.
• Paid bills (because that is soooo something to blog about...but hey it is part of the every day thing right?)
• Spent some money on things I didn't need...such as more maternity clothes. DON'T need anymore...but it doesn't hurt to get a discount off some shirts....so I bought three shirts (the pink one from the last post was one of them...the others were just ribbed tanks...pink andddd yellow).
• Gotten a pedicure. Which matches the pink shirt...yes the one from the last post.
• Spent some time with my pillow. Yes, I have been sleeping some more. I don't know what it is about not having to get up in the middle of the night. I haven't had to. Well, I have when Dave comes home, but that is it...strange...but I am sort of liking it for now. I guess I have just been so tired, because when I do go...I barley make it down the stairs to get there!
• Made plans to see Eclipse with my girlfriends!
• Booked my 3d/4d Ultrasound for A for the 12th of July! I am so excited! I got a special price because I booked in June! 199.00!! I get the premium package that includes a 45 minute ultrasound, 2 dvds, 1 photo cd, an online photo album andddd some printed pictures.

ANDDD that is it....I think....for now...I will post again soon for my survey for my 26th week! Yes...we are down to the double digits now until we meet baby A! Something like 97 days!! SOOOO amazing!! :)

Some Photos for YOU

Soooo Mrs.Megan and I were talking about photo's...
MY photos...
Of course I showed her!
But here are a few for you ladies too!! :)
(Dave took them today)

XOXO

Help!

First I would love to thank ALL of you for commenting on my last post. I appreciate all of you! I really do! I am going to take each day as it comes. And not only have we decided to "see" how things go with A before we decide on my "law school future", but I have been reaching out to friends...a girl friend came up to stay, and although I was a litttttttle bit anxious about it, we did have a good time!

BUT what I need help with is this pain I am having. It is all stretching. I know that A is moving low (below my belly button) because I can feel her roll over, kick, etc. But my abdominal muscles underneath my boobs (sorry but that is where it is) is pulling and stretching so much I can barley breath! I can't wear a bra or even a tighter shirt because I can't breath! And the doctor told me to take some Tylenol, but I don't want to. And I spoke to my mom, and she said to me "hundreds of women have taken Tylenol and their babies came out okay"...yea...thanks mom for the reassurance. But get this...I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHINGGGGG!

And then I feel guilty. Honestly, I tried so hard to get pregnant and stay pregnant that I feel horrible complaining about anything...BUT there must be other people in this boat too right? Or is pregnancy supposed to be ALWAYS AMAZING and I am missing something??? AHHH HELP!??? This is an amazing experience and I am so grateful. BUT OUCH!!!!!!!!!

A litttttle bit more

So yes...I did a whole entry about week 25. BUT I also wanted to write about what has been happening with "ME" lately. Yes, yes, this is my pregnancy blog...but it is also my blog!

Along with the stresses of being pregnant, I have been dealing with other stressors as well:

• Anxiously awaiting my grades from law school. I wont be getting them back until July (supposedly...but to be honest I have heard some rumors about the whole financial aid requirement to have them to us sooner than that...), and that is stressing me out. Basically I have decided to wait and see my grades before I make any decisions on going back or not. I have worked very hard and I really do enjoy it. BUT I have always wanted to be a mother.
• Feeling like a quitter...If I quit law school I will feel like that I just gave up. But I shouldn't feel that way. I am very hard on myself. I mean, I know a lot of people who have quit things that were not as hard as law school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even not taking summer classes BECAUSE I am pregnant and I need a break has been hard. Classes started today and I should have been in them. UGH...but I am then also happy I am home....I can't make up my mind. It is so hard for me to do anyways.... :(
  
• Being lonely. Now that I have nothing reallllly going on, I have been lonely. BUT it is so strange, I don't want to hang out with anyone!? Is that because of pregnancy? I have no idea. But really, if I make plans with someone I will cancel. BUT if they are last minute plans I will follow through. HORRIBLE, I know. And this definitely is why I feel lonely. I mean, I have a girlfriend who I haven't seen since January coming to stay over Friday night andddd I don't want her to come! I don't want to clean, entertain, worry about the dogs. WHAT IF I get tired and just want to go to bed? Or I get the bad pains again? SEE WHAT I MEAN...I am so crazy! AND I don't have a close girlfriend, and I have been complaining about that lately...SO why do I keep canceling on people who WANT to hang out with me?????? AND I MISS DAVE (enough complaining huh?)
  
• My weight. I lost 30lbs before I got pregnant. And I've only gained 8 with this pregnancy. But I am already stressing about a. not gaining too much because it will be bad for the baby, I have read multiple surveys saying obesity in my pregnancy will cause the child to have high blood pressure, etc. b. the weight will not come off. c. I want to be back to the old me (the three years ago me size 4...that I was almost at...just needed to go another 10lbs and I would have been there). I have 2 weddings I am in right after the baby is born. And I will be realistic with my weight, I always have been. But I want to look and feel good. And that is so hard when I see all of these people so skinny running around in their bikinis! ERRRR (and Heather if you say you're fat ONE more time I will kill you...jk jk I love you very much....you are super pretty and skinny and I will always be jealous of you)!!!!!
  

So that is it for now. There are a million other things I can post about. But those are the things that have been bothering me the most...sorry for the long post...but it feels good to get it all off of my chest!!! PHEW! (and Heather...I REALLLLLY was jk... :p)

25 and feeeeeling fineeeee (i wish)

How Far Along? 25 weeks today... :) YUP...25. ONLY 105 days to gooooooooo!!! LETS GOOO BABY A!!!! GROW GROW GROW!

Total Weight Gained/Loss? 8lbs.

Maternity Clothes? I just had to buy some new shorts...mine fit...but I can not button them. So I went up to the outlets this weekend and bought some exercise shorts....and they are so comfy!! Those and sweatpants shorts from different stores

Sleep? It is hard to sleep lately due to the stretching...and I feel bad complaining about it, but the stretching really hurts. My body is being ripped apart...and it is hard to breathe...but I know it is all part of it...

Best Moment of the Week? Little Miss A is moving around A LOT...and it makes me less stressed, especially with all the pain I've been experiencing.

Movement? A moves ALL of the time!!

Food Cravings? I have heartburn...so I am not sure what is causing it...(which food is...) but it is badddddddd.

Food aversions? None.

Morning sickness? None.

Gender? A is still team PINK

Belly Button? It is very shallow...andddd almost ready to pop!

What I miss: NOTHING

What I'm looking forward to: The crib coming in and setting up the nursery!!!

Milestones? We only have 15 weeks left! WOOOHOOO!!!!