Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Constantly


1con·stant

 adjective \ˈkän(t)-stənt\



1 : marked by firm steadfast resolution or faithfulness :
exhibiting constancy of mind or attachment constant friend.


3 : continually occurring or recurring : regular constant annoyance.




I am now able to see how unstable, unbalanced and unsteady my life actually is.

I have been fooled, like most girls, most women, into thinking that there is such a thing as "Happily Ever After". Fooled into thinking that things should not be as hard as they are. That things should come easy.

I have started to look at this current trend and have become sick with worry and guilt that I may be putting this on my daughter as well.

Today, I blame myself for things that have happened in my life. Not someone else. I blame me, but I also rejoice that I am me. That things have happened for a reason. That they will happen. An that no matter how hard I wish and try for them to stay constant, they won't be able to.

I am a very passive aggressive person.  I will not come right out and tell you why I am upset.  I expect you to, but I will not.  I argue a lot. And not just argue. But if I really have a passion or a strong view on something I convince you to think the same (which is why I was told to go to Law School to begin with). I haven't been doing this lately. I have been giving up. When things get tough, or I just want to push buttons I will, but won't come up with the answer to why I am doing such a thing or try to convince them otherwise. I have started to feel insecure of my decisions and my reasoning, and that is not me.

What happened to my steady, constant, happiness, confidence and the drive I used to have?

How did I let things get like this?

How did I let others to make me feel like this.  To constantly put me down so I believed them.  To feel bad about being excluded from the group.  

I am not letting this happen anymore.  I am sticking up for me.  I am good enough and people like me for me.  I don't have to pretend.  I don't have to be settled for.  I can go back to that girl who was always smiling and happy.  Who had something great to look forward to every single day.  I will make this a huge priority in my life.

2 comments:

  1. Friend, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're on your way back up and that's a good thing!

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  2. Aw Steph, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. You're right but also I need to disagree that there is such a thing as Happily Ever After. Maybe not always as we had planned or envisioned our life to be. No one can be perfect, I think immediately we need to get that out of our head - we're all different we just need to learn to live with the differences and love the person we're with for those reasons. But relationships take work, and they take 2 people, not just one. If you find yourself being the only one person trying in the relationship then it just isn't worth fighting for anymore once you've explored all options to make it better. Life is too short to settle with something that doesn't make you happy. I spent years being unhappy, with an unhappy relationship that has scarred me to this day. That is up until I met Jimmy...the scars are still there but he is my happy ending to all the bad crap that I went through, my happily ever after persay. We're not perfect though, we argue, we have our differences - it's how you deal with them that makes it work. You are an amazing person, and your daughter is SO lucky to have you in her life. She knows how awesome you are, you just need to get back to believing that about yourself again. If you're in a situation that makes you think you're any less than the great person that you are you need to fix it. Your daughter would rather you be happy than stuck in something that doesn't make you happy. I wish you all the best Steph. Keep your chin up - and you'll get back to "you" again...you deserve nothing but good things xoxo

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